The Holiday Wars

Thanksgiving was not a happy camper as he looked out over the land on his day of days. He witnessed the huddled freezing masses lined up in front of store fronts and shops waiting in desperation for another holiday’s season to begin, Christmas.

How dare he!? He thought to himself as more and more people lined up for the pre-holiday sales, Some of those people have been there for a week! How dare he overrun my holiday with this disgusting display? Something needs to be done about this!

In the dead of the night, he had gathered the other major holidays together to discuss his feeling, all but one that was…

“This is an outrage! People even have their Christmas decorations out already!” Thanksgiving screamed from across the table, “If it’s happening to me, how soon will it be before others are effected!?”

“If it’s any consolation,” Halloween spoke up from the other side of the table, “the Devonport’s on First Street there still have my decorations up.”

Thanksgiving shot him a dirty look, “You’re not helping.”

“Dude!” another holiday shouted, “You have to show him love man, then everything will be okay. Why don’t you send him a card and some flowers?”

“Shut up Sweetest Day,” Thanksgiving sneered in return, “you’re nothing but a Hallmark holiday! Who invited you anyways?”

“I did!” Valentine’s Day answered as she stood up and pounded her fist on the table.

“Imagine that! Somebody remembers him for once!” Thanksgiving replied as he buried his head in his hands, “Look, this is all I’m saying. In the last decade, people are hurrying through my day early so they can rush to start shopping for his day! Some people don’t even gather for dinner anymore, unless it’s in front of one of those darn super stores!”

“Hey, as long as he ain’t cutting into my day, why should I care about yours?” Easter replied as he leaned back and placed his oversized paws on the table.

“Can’t you see…it will only get worse and worse!” Thanksgiving began to plead, “He’s even got Christmas in July!”

“Yea!” Independence Day howled as he stood up, “Why does he got to be all up in my month!?”

“Exactly! We had an agreement that his holiday would start on the Friday after mine,” He said, “soon, he will dominate all of our holidays!”

“Well,” Labor Day added, “people do spend a lot more money for his day than any other.”

“Good point!” Columbus Day spoke up, “Don’t everyone think it’s time to spread the wealth?”

“Shut your mouth!” Ground Hog’s Day told Columbus Day sharply, “You’re nothing but a 20 percent off sale, no one wants to hear from you! Columbus didn’t even discover America, everyone knows that!”

“Well, you haven’t been right in years so-“

“Silence!” Thanksgiving interrupted, “It IS time to spread the wealth!”

“I think I know where you’re going with this,” Halloween said, “and it sounds kind of scary.”

“You bet it is…it’s time to get rid of Christmas, once and for all!”

Throughout the evening and into the early hours of the morning, the holidays conspired and prepared for war.


The day was finally here, the battle was great. Both sides gaining and losing ground with every passing moment.

“What is the update on the front lines?” Thanksgiving shouted from atop of his command deck.

“We’re winning!” a voice answered back from the back of the room.

“Really?” he asked as he turned to the voice.

“April Fools!” the holiday laughed as it turned and hurried out the door.

Thanksgiving growled as he turned and re-examined the situation from afar, “Where are those artillery shells? Where is Labor Day with the artillery shells!?”

“Union break!” Boss’s Day ranted as he through a pile of papers on the desk.

Thanksgiving slammed his fist into the table, “Does anybody have any good news for me?”

“The current projection shows that our possible victory is too soon to call!” Election Day shouted from in front of his computer monitor.

Suddenly, Tax Day burst into the room in a panic, “We have a write-off! Secretary’s Day is dead!”

“Stop panicking!” Thanksgiving replied as he turned back to the battle ahead of him, “We still have Executive Assistant Day, we will be fine!”

“IIt “burp” waaas, wha was iit, AAHHH! Itwasahorriblesitetosee! “Hick”

“My god! Are you drunk St. Patrick’s Day!?” Thanksgiving yelled.

“Heee “hick” heeee’s “hick” nooooo druuuunk aaamiiiigoooo, “hick”.” Cinco De Mayo replied as the two stumbled across the floor.

Thanksgiving buried his head in his hands, “How is it that Christmas gets all the good holidays!”

“DDAYISBUSTINGTHROUGHTHEFRONTLINESANDISPRACTICALLYATOURFRONTDOORANDWEGOTTOGETOUTOFHEREFAST!” screamed National Carbonated Beverage with Caffeine Day as he turned and ran face first into the door and fell back on his butt.

The remaining holidays stopped in their tracks and stared at the door in horror as it slowly began to creek open. The dark and unrecognizable shadow stood at the door, the only sound that could be heard was the deep eerie breath or the unknown figure.

“Oh no!” Boy Scout Day screamed as he ran across the room flailing his arms around in the air, “it’s the most horrible site ever in the history of mankind! RUN!”

The shadowy figure stepped into the room and pointed straight to Thanksgiving, “I know a very naughty boy who will be spending a lot of time in the corner!”

“M…M…Mother’s Day!” the other holidays screamed in unison as they all began to flee out of the room, jumping through windows and such, everyone except for Leap Day who sat shivering in the corner hoping not to be seen.

“Please don’t say it, please don’t say it,” he whispered to himself as Mother’s Day turned slowly in his direction.

“You’re not supposed to be out for another two years,” she said with an evil grimace on her face, “Just you-“

“No!” Leap Day pleaded as his face turned more and more horrified with tears running down his cheeks.

“Just you wait-“

“Please! I’m begging you!” He screamed and cried in vain. “Don’t say it, please!”

“Just you wait till your father gets home!” she screamed as she picked up the frightened holiday by his ear and faced him towards the door where an awaiting Father’s Day stood ready with a paddle in his hands.

“Son, this is going to hurt me worse than it is going to hurt you.” Father’s Day said as he held the paddle up.

“Really?” Leap day asked still shivering.

“No, It is going to hurt you a lot!” he replied as the three exited and slammed the door shut. The screams could still be heard for what seemed like minutes after their departure, which left Thanksgiving all alone.

A deathly silence loomed in the air as Thanksgiving slowly looked around the room cautiously. The door would be too obvious an escape route. He thought to himself as he began to creep towards one of the windows.

A loud crash from above shook the small cottage that the fallen holiday had taken refuge in during the battle. Thanksgiving fell to the floor,  once again he eyed the window for a quick escape. Suddenly, a plume of smoke and soot filled the room. He struggled to breathe as he peered across the room trying to make anything out in the haze. Finally, an all too familiar sound would fill the room that made the hairs on the back of his neck to stand out. “Ho….Ho….Ho”, the sound resounded horrifically.

“You know this is wrong, Christmas!” He choked out still struggling through the sediment. “You have defiled my day! Others will see through this injustice!”

“You’ve been a naughty holiday, Thanksgiving,” Christmas said as he began to stroll across the room, “did you think a little turkey and stuffing could beat out the marketing bonanza that is me?”

“I am the day of giving thanks for everything we have, family…friends…not of pre-holiday savings and shopping! It is a day of reflection, of mending relationships, of having yet another year of having the ones you care about close without the bribery of gifts and stuff to bring them in!”

“I completely agree with you, and I’m sorry…”


“Sorry that I have to do this, but I’m going to have to ask you to change Thanksgiving Dinner to maybe Thanksgiving Brunch…or…even better… Thanksgiving Midnight Snack,” Christmas replied, “I have an entire truckload of gifts I have to unload and I need workers to give up the morning and afternoon to do it.”

“Oh, and we scaled the first sale back to 8 AM Thursday, so I hope that won’t be a problem?”



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